Still Angry

Nate was gone with his youth group fall retreat over the weekend, so I was looking forward to getting a bunch of stuff done. Saturday I worked hard and did accomplish a lot, and I had a nice list going for Sunday too. We were going to take the boat to it's winter home for storage, and it wound up to be a huge mess. We fiddled with it for an hour and a half getting it ready to go (I won't get into that), and then when we left, something was really wrong. Water was pouring out of the boat. Now we haven't used the boat in two years because Jim is in process of fixing the rear seat (he's on the three year plan). Early in the summer, he and Noah did try and go fishing, but his car broke down while towing and they never made it. Noah had put the plug in and Jim never thought to take it out, so the boat sat and collected water ALL summer. It took over an hour for it to drain, the boat is moldy, and things were ruined. Not sure it will work or if it will need some work next year. When we got the boat, I told Jim it was his to maintain, and he is not doing it. I just want to get rid of it now! Really what I want is for him to make some changes in his life and stop neglecting things and help out! Yeah, I know, I'm still angry.

We went down to visit Noah last weekend and celebrate his birthday. He makes me feel so used-he let us take him out to dinner, take him grocery shopping, opened his presents, and then wanted us to go because he had to study. I know he was going to study, but mostly he was going to sit and watch tv. Nate is serving two detentions this week because he got caught going to Burger King for lunch. They have a closed campus and that is not allowed. When I asked him why he would do this, he said he was starving and didn't want to wait. He thinks rules don't really apply to him. I have the day off today, Veterans Day. I am getting caught up on laundry and those errands I didn't have time to do on Sunday! Yeah, I know, I'm still angry.

Well I'd better go and keep moving.

November News

Well fall break didn't go so well with Noah. He is still acting like he did this summer-picking fights and not helping out. We can be going along having a nice conversation about something so ordinary as say.....bread....and then out of the blue he starts being stubborn and ugly and then we are fighting. No joke, this happened while he was home! I woke him up one day at noon and asked him to mow the grass as it hadn't been done in nearly three weeks and it was going to rain for the next four days and his brother couldn't get to it before the rain. He said he just couldn't do it, he was too busy. If only I had woke him up earlier he would have done it for me. I came home at 12:30 and he was sitting on the computer checking Facebook and such-nothing important. I'm going to assume that he got off the computer when I left at 1:10 and got in the shower and started studying. He studied and got his tires rotated until 3:30. Then he convinced his dad to let him take the new truck and take his friends to the pumpkin patch. Afterwards, he went to a party downtown and didn't get home until 1:30 am. So in summary his day consisted of 12 hours of sleeping, two hours of work/studying, and 9 hours of socializing. But he didn't have time to help me out. The rain held off the next morning, so I woke him up at 9:00 when I left for work and again asked him to mow. He said ok, never got up until I called at 12 pm to see if he wanted to join me for lunch (at which time it started to rain). He isn't working yet, and I heard way too much about all the tv shows he has been watching. I think it is best for him, and for all of us if he gets his own place next summer. It will build character and maybe foster a little appreciation. Nate is also not working. He ran out of gas for his car at the end of the month and wanted me to advance him next months allotment. I said no-and he went off on how I was a terrible parent that didn't provide for him. He dug up some change and managed to get by, but still hasn't looked for a job over the weekend.

It is a good thing I canceled the camping trip-when we went to clear the camper out for the season, the roof wouldn't go up. I called to get an appointment to get it fixed and he couldn't see me until the end of November! Last night was Halloween. It was a beautiful evening-mild temperatures. Jim and I moved our fire pit to the end of the driveway and were toasty warm while we passed out candy. We even shared a bottle of wine. I think we have started a new holiday tradition! We had parent teacher conferences last week. Nate failed math, but she said she would give him credit if he made up the work. He says he finished up the assignments this week and turned them in (I have to check with her this week). Otherwise, we had great conferences. His schedule is light, and it seems to work better for him (not so overwhelming). I spent several days cleaning out my car. It was sooooo dirty. Everything has been wiped down, windows washed, and floors swept. In the spring I would like to use the steam cleaner and wash the carpet and upholstery. It is really dirty too. I have reached my goal weight, and seem to be hanging out there, so I think I am where I am supposed to be for now. It makes it easier to go shopping now that I am done! I am still 20 lbs heavier than when I got married yet almost daily I hear comments from people that are concerned about my weight loss. I've had people think I have an eating disorder or that I am sick. I hear about how I am wasting away to nothing! Come on, I have never been a tiny little thing and I'm certainly not now. I did finally get back into 14 pants though-YEAH! I'm feeling so much better and praise God for what he has done in my life through Prism. I tried to go vote early yesterday. Three times I tried, but the line was so long that it would have been a couple hours wait. Hope it isn't that bad on election day as the weatherman is predicting rain. I did get a new winter coat and I love it. It is faux suede with sherpa inside. We did have a freeze, so it came just in time. My TBH group is bonding and I am enjoying my time volunteering there. I am also going to try a yoga class this month. I need to finish something we are doing online for work this month. We hired a new girl and I really like her. Maybe I will actually be able to work on it at work instead of at home now. If I finish, I get an MP3 player. Well I have to get off and keep my laundry going. Keep in touch.

Noah's Home

Well, we didn't go camping after all. Just like I thought, Jim did not bounce back from working nights and was a real crab. He also told me he would use the time off to get things ready, and he grocery shopped. He just doesn't understand all that it takes to get things ready to go somewhere. I wish just ONCE he would help me get ready to go camping. Instead he procrastinates until the last minute, and instead of helping me, he is busy getting his fishing gear around! We must also have different priorities, because instead of helping me, he set out two huge packs of chicken wings to make for the boys to eat while we were gone. What is wrong with a box pizza??? He spent half of the day on Friday preparing them-a lot of help he would have been to me had we gone.....The weather is going to turn next week, so this was our last chance of the season to go. Instead, we are going to pull it out of the garage and clear out things for the winter. Liquid things and things with batteries.

Noah is home for a long weekend. Yesterday, we went shopping for some new t-shirts. He is feeling older and wiser and no longer desires to wear his high school tees. The guys got their hair cut yesterday too (all but Nate). Now we are ready to take a picture for our Christmas card. Noah informed me that he is glad we are doing it now. The house he lives in made a pact- no shave November. I also picked up my order at Cabelas. Have to take the winter coat back and order a new one though. It is beautiful and soft, but dry clean only. That is not going to work for me!

We had a plumber come out and replace all the guts on our toilets. Have to call and have him come back because one is still acting funny. With the new hardware, our cabinet that went over the toilet didn't fit anymore, so I went and bought some stacking bins and organized everything under the sink. Still have some mess there to clean up. We also hung the shelves over the new tv. It turned out pretty good-it fills the space and gives me a place to put some pretty things.

Well that is about all for now. Better get going and do what I need to do before the day gets away from me.

1/2 Way Through October Already

Wow! After writing my title I realized I have to start planning for the holidays. They are right around the corner! I didn't realize I had Columbus Day off until right before I went to bed last night. What a blessing-I need to get ready to go camping this weekend.

Since my last post, Jim did buy a new vehicle. He finally has his pick up truck-a 2008 Chevy Silverado, grey, extended cab. He feels very manly driving it! Nate is now driving the Jeep back and forth to school-not work as he has no job yet! We also got our living room put back together with the new entertainment console and tv all hooked up. Last weekend Jim and Nate moved our beast of an entertainment center down to the basement. The movers that brought it told me it wouldn't fit down there, but it did (barely). I put that all back together last week. What a big job that all turned out to be! I spent most of the day vacuuming and mopping floors yesterday. The floors I had done right after we put Belle down were still pretty clean. That dog shed so bad, and I'm not missing that! Jim ordered some new guns from Cabelas. Noah said he hit the redneck trifecta-big screen tv, pick up truck, and guns. He got a $150 gift card for doing so, which he gave to me. I used it to buy a new winter coat and boots (and had enough left over for a raincoat on clearance). That is the great thing about losing so much weight-you need ALL new clothes. I hit my goal weight the other day, and then went a pound lighter the next (68 lbs in all). I'm just going to continue to do what I'm doing and see where I wind up. God knows what weight I'm supposed to be. Jim is working nights this week. He isn't adjusting well, so camping will probably be a bummer with him trying to bounce back to days. TBH is going well-I'm less nervous each time. Yesterday I asked my neighbor to show me how to hem something. I bought a top for Christmas that I got cheap because the hem was falling out. She graciously hemmed it on her machine for me and it turned out beautiful! Noah will be home for fall break this weekend and I want to take our Christmas picture while he is here.

Well that better be all for this update. It is getting late and I have things I need to get done.

Fall

Wow! We have been having a warm but beautiful fall so far. This is my favorite season! Leaves a just beginning to turn color, but not even close to peak, so we have that to look forward to. Jim and I went out to eat the other night and he asked me where I wanted to go. My only requirement, was somewhere with a patio. I just wanted to be out and enjoy this weather as long as I can.

Well things are getting better. We still miss our dog, but life moves on. Sometimes I still come home and look for her at the top of the stairs. Sometimes Jim still calls for her as he is laying on the floor watching tv. I'm working on a shadowbox for Jim for Christmas to preserve some memories. I think he'll really like that.

We went shopping and picked out a new tv. Problem is that all the new tv's are rectangle and our entertainment center has a traditional square opening. So we had to purchase a new entertainment center too! That came the other day and I have it all assembled. Now we have to move the old one out (and sell it because I think it is too big to fit downstairs) and set up everything in the new one. Maybe I'll call about cable today.....

Nate finished up driver's ed and got his license. Then we had to insure him-ouch! Now he is pushing for a car, but he still has no job. We plan on giving him Jim's jeep when Jim gets a new car. Nate is letting his hair grow out again and it is getting ugly. I asked him to please get it trimmed so we can take senior pictures, and he has refused me. He doesn't want to cut his hair and he doesn't want to take pictures. That stubborn selfishness will serve him well in life won't it!

Noah is doing well in school. I think the reality of becoming a doctor is starting to hit him. He talks more about doing research and this week was rambling on about becoming a CSI. Problem is I don't think CSI pay will cover his loans! We are going to go down and see him this weekend and I'm looking forward to that. We wanted to go to Parent's Weekend next month, but it was $120 for us to attend. I thought for that much money, surely we get to go to a football game, but Nooooo....You get to go on the field and have your picture taken with the mascot and cheerleaders!

My volunteering with TBH is going well. I am working with an adult group. Their stories really touch me and I fervently pray that I won't do or say anything that adds to their pain. I was less nervous the second week, but still get nervous because this is my first time working through the curriculum. I also continue on with my weight loss journey. I'm trying to walk most days and so far I've lost 65 lbs. Only two more to go until I meet the goal I set for myself. I've made a lifestyle change though, so perhaps I'm not through and I'll go lower before I'm done. I feel blessed to have gotten this far!

Well, I'd better go and get my bills paid and things cleaned up. Got a busy weekend with visiting Noah, a work party tomorrow, and looking at cars.

Hard Day

Yesterday, Jim and I put down our beloved dog of 14 years, Belle. She had a cancerous tumor on her bladder that we had known about for almost a year. The vet had told us that it wouldn't spread, but there seemed to be more going on with each passing day. She was growing weak in her back legs and couldn't do much physically without them giving out on her. Her bark had grown husky and lately it was rare to even hear her bark. She was breathing louder, sleeping harder, and had lots of lumps and bumps we could feel throughout her body. The medicine we were giving her would upset her tummy, she was straining more and more to go to the bathroom, and started having more accidents in the house. Last weekend we had two incidents that helped me come to peace with this decision. Saturday night, Jim let her out before bed, and she took off. He went out looking for her until 2:30 am, but could not find her. I was so upset and worried that I lost sleep. She has taken off in the past-every once in awhile she just gets the urge to go on an adventure. Problem this time-it was like a 98 year old person not realizing their limitations out there. I was afraid she would wander too far and her legs would give out on her in the middle of the road and she would get hit. I was also concerned because we didn't get her shots this summer. Why bother when we knew she would be gone soon. What if this is the one time she bit someone-we would be in more trouble without those shots. Well our neighbor called us in the morning and said she was down at his house. She didn't eat all day-wonder what she got into on her adventure-but she also didn't get sick. Sunday evening, Jim and I went out for a bit. Nate was home with her, but evidently she slept. So when we came back, she probably needed to go outside. She was acting antsy, but we were distracted and figured she wanted food. As Jim was feeding her, I walked into the living room and found her going potty on the carpet! What was so shocking is that she never really let us know she had to go out. She would bark and pester you until you got it, but not this time. She just followed us around and panted and we didn't pick up on it. Jim and I talked several times over the week and came to the decision together. He had a harder time, he really loved that dog and she loved him. I needed it to be a mutual decision and I needed him to be there too. It was so hard. She was thumping her tail even as he gave her the injection. I can't believe the amount of grief I have about this. It seems excessive for a dog. I felt like I was finally moving through the grief for my mom, and this brings up all those same emotions. Maybe I am just not ready to deal with loss again. And of course with this there is the guilt. We made the decision, we took her there, she trusted us. I don't feel like it was the wrong decision, it was just one I had hoped we would never have to make.

Feeling like Fall

After a very warm Labor Day weekend, a cold front has moved through and it is downright chilly! I should have worn a sweatshirt out on my walk this morning. I'm not complaining-I love this kind of weather.

We went camping over Labor Day. It was the first time we have gone this summer! Noah was going to stay home and watch the dog, but hours before we left, he changed his mind and decided to come with us. Jim's reaction-"We don't have enough food". Nate went to camp with a friend, so it was supposed to be just Jim and I. Even though I was grateful that Noah decided to come with us, it did put a kink in our plans and cause extra work at the last minute to make it happen. We camped in South Dakota at a private camp that was very nice. The camp was small and quiet, so that made the weekend very relaxing. Saturday we made a good breakfast and then went down to the lake and floated around. The lake was pretty clean and cool, so it was very refreshing. Noah and I played washers (he beat me by one point), and then we all played a game of Mexican Train dominoes. Noah was the previous champion (which he loved rubbing in), but he finished in last place this time around. That evening we got cleaned up and went to Sioux Falls for dinner. I had heard about a Brazilian grill, which Jim was really wanting to try when we went to Charlotte this summer. It was a neat dining experience. They had this little wheel on your table-half was red and half green. When you wanted the gauchos to come around with the meat selections, you would turn your wheel to green. They would come with all sorts of meat on a long skewer and slice it off for you at your table. There was sausage, parmesan chicken, top sirloin, even alligator. When you had enough, you would turn the wheel to red. There was also a salad bar with all sorts of interesting things-rum eggs, hearts of palm, oysters, meats & cheeses-and a hot bar that had fried bananas for dessert (yum). It was rather expensive, but a treat we really enjoyed. Sunday, we just hung around camp in the morning. Noah used the time to catch up on homework. In the afternoon, we headed back to Sioux Falls to go to the Lifelight Festival. This is the free christian music festival we have gone to several times. In previous years, we have camped right on site and attended the festival all weekend. I didn't get my reservations in early enough this year though. We arrived just in time to see, Matthew West, Phil Joel, Building 429, Natalie Grant, and Casting Crowns. So much fun!!

It has been nice to have a shortened work week too! We are starting a new thing at work to learn more about library 2.0. I am excited to start that, even though it is not easy to do with all the interruptions. Nate finished the classroom part of driver's ed. Monday he will start the driving part. I don't think he has enough experience, but we need to move him forward and get past this obstacle. I think school is going ok for both boys. Noah has had a lot of hassle trying to buy his books elsewhere to save a little money. The most recent problem is that a book he bought off Amazon didn't come with a code that he needs to do quizzes online for his professor. That code can't be bought separate and only comes with the book from the bookstore, so he had to buy a brand new book from the bookstore and send his book from Amazon back. Isn't that a rip! He doesn't think it has been worth all the hassle just to save $40-live and learn! Nate is enjoying his graphics arts class and work study. For that he is working at a car stereo shop, learning how to install that kind of stuff. They also do upholstery, but he hasn't got into that yet. Our dog is really declining and we are trying to decided whether to put her down or refill her medicine one more month. She is starting to have some more accidents, and her stomach is touchy with the medicine. A couple of weeks ago, I came home from work and she had thrown up in 17 spots. It took hours of clean up. Her back legs are getting weaker and weaker. She went swimming in the lake this weekend and after going out about a dozen times, her back legs would collapse when she tried to stand up. It is hard. My grief support group starts next week. I need to look over my materials this weekend. I am still nervous.

Well I'd better go. I want to vacuum and dust and put the fall decorations out today.